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Now in a new town I was taking it all in. The boys were a lot more hormonal. In my 1 1/2 years at that school in Seymour I had guy teachers and every other guy in that school hitting on me. It really got to the point where it was disgusting and harrassing. On top of all the male hormonal problems in this place the communities are made up of mostly snobby gossiping people. Your whole reputation and all of the privileges you get are based on your family name not actually on who you are and what you do. The pressure I felt in this place was only double. And the second half of my eighth grade year was one of my worst bulimic times. Just the same as up in Charter Oak during my 7th grade year, in Seymour people had all the same expectations of me and more. I was even more popular, more pretty, and more relied upon. Everybody always wanted my help with something, the boys would not stop touching me, the Frizzells would not stop nagging, everybody was taking my attention and my bulimia was my only release for all my frustration, my anger, my sadness. There was no room for me. And every bit of criticism that came blowing my way was only doubled by my own, all directed on to myself of course. It got sooo bad that I was crying every morning on the way to school and I could hardly make it through the nights. I knew that something had to change, so I decided to homeschool and spend my time getting to know myself and more importantly help myself.
Something I've learned in these last few years is that I have to be there for me. Support from other people is always a good thing, but unfortunately not always available. And if nobody else was going to heal the very hurt and desparate little child inside of me I was going to have to do it.
Coming home was the best decision I made for myself. Starting off on my road to recovery was not easy, and you think at first that it will be easy, that you can change your eating habits at the touch of a button. This is definitely not so. It has taken three years of realizations, revelations, and a lot of soul searching to get me to the point that I'm at now. But I always remind myself that every little snail step I've made over these years has kept me from dying and has brought me to healing. Every little drop of water makes the ocean.
I have had some very trying times, but never ever did I want to die. I just wanted relief, but relief is not something easily given. Patience does not grow in a person unless there is turbulence. I had to allow for my feelings to be felt, and I had to express these feelings. I was holding in my feelings like the lava in a volcano, every feeling just waiting to erupt. And so my first breakthrough was the idea that it is okay to feel. The feelings caused in me by other people, situations, and environments, regardless of intent, were still my feelings. Something I love so much about the Chinese is how much they put on honoring life and things in life. I learned how to honor my feelings, and recognize their presence.
Since then my relationship with my father has improved somewhat. He still stifles me, but I am much more able to establish my own individual ground and express the way I feel. I am going to be moving in less than 2 1/2 months to Phoenix, AZ. That fact is something that gives me inspiration everyday, and I think the space between my father and I will give us some persepctive and time to think about things. More important is that I need the time and I have got to go. Iowa has taught me a lot of hard learned lessons and almost broke my stability of mind.
You know, something I have had plenty enough of since I started schooling at home was a lot of time. And a long time ago in another time and another place my mother had told me that someday I would come face to face with God, it would be only me and the Universe. The day it happened I was sitting in the kitchen, as I had done so many times before, and I heard the never-ending tick tock of the clock echoing in my mind, I had never felt so alone. I was sitting so quietly, not making a sound, yet I was so desparate inside, I was raging at the emptiness of this room and this world. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, over and over and over. I was on the verge of losing my mind in this still place. But....I did not break. No, on the contrary, I met God. It took some time, but it was getting lost in time that allowed me to meet the Universe, to meet the presence of this other world meshed into this mundane one. I found out that I was not alone. I found the love and solace I was so desparately looking for in the silence, in the stillness. There was someone who came to soothe my nerves and calm my heart, and to whisper in my ear that it would be okay. "It will be okay" were the magic words I had been waiting to hear. I knew before that everything would be okay, but I guess I lost my conviction, and after that day nothing can break my spirit. I always have absolute faith now. I have faith in myself, in this world, and the next. Those words were whispered into my mind, into my heart, and into my soul; now I carry with me the knowing that it will all be okay. Moments are always fleeting, life here on earth is always passing. Now I live right here and right now. I am not living through my past, and I am not playing out my tomorrow, I reside in today. I reside in the minute, the next step in front of me.
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Joanna Frizzell
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congratulations joanna filippo&nicola | May 9th, 2002
I have to congratulate me with you, Joanna.
you are a very brave person, because you have been able to fight against your problems day by day, without surrendering, and then you have been so brave to tell the others your problem.
it comes from my hearth:"congratulations Joanna!!!"
if you want to speak with me, you can send me an e-mail at linusfilippo@libero.it
again: congratulations
filippo'88
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