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In this moment by moment living I have found so much more happiness, so much less worry, and so much more relaxtion. I don't know exactly when it was, but somewhere growing up I forgot how to relax. I was in a constant state of tension, always dancing on my toes. And the mask, yes the mask, never entirely came off (even in the most relaxed of situations). An enormous part of my recovery has had to do with learning to be myself again and to take care of myself, protect myself. My sister gave me a big green light in this area. She is a lot like my father. She worries excessively, nitpicks about small stuff, and is always critical. During the big eating disorder talk with her and my mother she wasn't exactly being helpful, but she did say something that has given me so much self empowerment. She said something that was hurtful, and I told her not to say that because it causes a bad behavior in me. And she said, "Joanna, if I ever say something that hurts your feelings, tell me about it, get mad at me, don't let me walk all over you." That was so liberating!!! And coming from her, that means a lot. So now I tell people about it if they hurt my feelings, I let them know when they are pushing me too far. This has all been part of setting personal boudaries again, and learning how to assert myself when someone is invading these boudaries. I have been able to find the balance again. Now that scales are always swaying from one side to the other, but in the middle I can keep my balance through the swaying and tides. Balance is actually knowing how to adjust without falling. There will always be turbulence. The Buddhists say that all life is suffering. In Buddhism there is surrender to the ways of the world, you let go of what you cannot control. And the only thing you can actually control is yourself. You have to find the balance within yourself, it cannot be found anywhere else. I understand now that people will do what they think they have to do, and the world will continue to challenge you and push you. And I will take every challenge and ride the waves of change so that I may better undestand myself, my fellow humans, and the entire Universe.
One thing I can tell you for sure is that I will never leave myself again. I know of self-love, self-respect, self-knowing, self-acceptance, and self-esteem (faith in myself). I believe in the mothership theory which says: If you can't save the mothership, you can't save her sailors either. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anybody else. If you don't help yourself, you can't help anybody else. I learned about this from a brilliant lawyer in New York when I was only four years old. I've remembered it all this time, and only began to understand it about a year and half ago. Now I feel for myself, I take care of myself, and I protect myself. I have a responsibility towards myself, and if I am not fulfilling that responsibility I cannot fulfill my responsibility to anybody else and I should not be trying to. I had to put me first, my well-being, my health, my life.
I have been bulimia free for 20 days now. I basically just stopped after 5 years of ongoing bulimia. I had known for some months that the time was coming for my weakening bulimia to end. In January and then turning into February I began to strongly feel the pull towards the last step. And on February 21st I let go entirely, it had served it's purpose and now I took the reigns. February 22nd I talked to my mother and sister, and since then eating, relaxing, and excercising have been fun and leisurely activities. I enjoy my food and pay attention to my satisfaction, my sister and I take walks in the field, and all three of us love to have family days at home. We cook, talk, laugh, discuss, watch movies, dance, sing, laugh some more, and do all sorts of fun stuff. I am truly grateful for all of the blessings that I recieve. I am just happy to be alive, with people I love, and to be myself again. My approach to life is to experience where I am now. I am not in a race to somewhere or something. I see no reason for me to get uptight and worry about the coming of tomorrow. Having had an eating disorder and having overcome it, and all the things I learned in the process has brought a lot more meaning and purpose to my life. I once heard a song that said, "It dosen't matter if your early, it dosen't matter if your late." The singer was referring to death and going home (afterworld). I also read the same thing in a book about the otherside by Silvia Browne. And it really struck a chord with me. I realized that there was no reason for me to stress and worry all the time. Life is not a race. I'm not trying to beat time, actually time is on my side. I take the time to think, reflect, laugh, experience, share, listen, and really be aware of what's going on and pay attention to what is right in front of me.
The next step in my journey of life is moving to Arizona where I am going to be a student of Alternative Medicine, we'll see where that takes me when I get there. The three things I am concentrating on in my life now and will continue to are healing expression, humanitarian expression, and artistic expression. I have a need to help people feel better and take care of. I have a need to help people live better and understand more about humanity. And I have a need to express myself. These are the things that my heart and whole being tells me I need to do. And I follow myself now. I listen to my heart, my intuition, my instincts, my good judgement, and my incredible insight. I have found what true success is. It is knowing who you are, being who you are, and loving who you are!
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Joanna Frizzell
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congratulations joanna filippo&nicola | May 9th, 2002
I have to congratulate me with you, Joanna.
you are a very brave person, because you have been able to fight against your problems day by day, without surrendering, and then you have been so brave to tell the others your problem.
it comes from my hearth:"congratulations Joanna!!!"
if you want to speak with me, you can send me an e-mail at linusfilippo@libero.it
again: congratulations
filippo'88
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