It’s so cold in the room. The heater is warm but it’s not enough to warm up the whole room. I should buy something to cover the cracks in the window. Stupid socialistic quality of work; they’d never care that the window is not even closing normally and the wood started to break from so much pushing. I pass my glance from the emptiness outside into the emptiness of the room. Then I wonder: “what should I do not to repeat my parent’s mistakes, not to have my children freezing in a poor, bare apartment”.
For me it’s that age when I have to decide my future. Whoever I choose to be, I’ll make my living of it.
I do not want much; I just want a decent living for me and my family. But that’s already too much.
I don’t know about African countries, which are considered the poorest, but here in Moldova, a person with a profession, a master degree is at the same level as one who didn’t bother to waste time or money on education. It’s discouraging.
Should I be a teacher? People have worked as teachers for 15-20 years and then found no other way of surviving then working illegally in foreign countries. The same as doctors, workers, artists; the same as many mothers and fathers, leaving behind a self educating generation.
Where’s the hope?
Everywhere in the world people go to universities with the intention of making their living in a correct and honest way. We don’t have this assurance here.
This is where the indifference comes from. The youth in Moldova, generally speaking, don’t have a stimulant for doing useful things for society, because society doesn’t do anything for them. No ongoing youth - no progress - no ongoing youth - a vicious circle. The only way out of it is outside the borders of this country.
But not in the meaning of leaving the country forever. There is a better usage of going abroad, like understanding the simple things which make a society better, caring for your surrounding. Learn from the wiser, they say.
Maybe I am still young and I shouldn’t believe that anywhere is better than here, but at this certain moment anywhere would be better. I want to fight and I don’t even have a battlefield. As I grow older the guilt of not helping my parents hurts me more and more. And as the night passes it’s getting colder and colder.
Slowly my thoughts overcome the barriers invading my mind with images of the future. Now I really wish the cold could freeze my brain and all these bitter memories of tomorrow… I just can’t conceive what I will do, there’s no way out. My family can’t afford university, and scholarships are just stories for children here. No, not even children believe it. A few years and they will retire. What then? What will I do? I will have to support my parents and my sister. But how? I won’t be able to get a well paid job with qualification, not to mention getting it without a profession. I can’t study outside, it’s even more expensive and my school didn’t prepare me enough to win any full scholarship. I would work day and night. I would do anything. I panic right now. My head is exploding because of the thoughts. I wish I could scream with all my voice. Maybe this way I could throw away the pain and the confusion...
It feels easier on the floor. My tears fall straight into the carpet and I don’t have to sweep them. I’m down, I’m defeated.
And all I want is a simple thing, an essential condition. I want security for the day of tomorrow. I would fight with all my powers if I only had a track of where to go. And I don’t. All the doors are closed. All the friends vanished.
I guess I’ll have to improvise.
« return.