As my dad mingled with the construction workers with the task of making sure everything was going well, he left me bored as hell. I began to look around. I sat myself on a bench in one of the nearby mausoleums. I rarely went to the cemetery when it wasn't All Saint’s Day, although it was just a four-minute ride from home. There I began to notice how lonely the cemetery could be with not a lot of people around. It was a beautiful day in this beautiful garden-like place, but the only things that enjoyed the sight were the cold tombstones with a bunch of rotting corpses underneath. What a waste.
Just as I was drowning in deep thought and frustration, I noticed someone standing over an ordinary tombstone, not far from where I was. He was a boy about my age. My curiosity for this boy got the best of me so I didn’t notice that I was already staring at the boy. He was medium built and was probably taller than I was. His skin was as fair as milk but he had black hair with long bangs that reached the sides of his eyes. Oh and his eyes! He had the most beautiful big long-lashed brown eyes I have ever seen. His face was like that of an innocent young boy and it complemented his eyes. My heart skipped a beat upon seeing how handsome he really was. I couldn’t believe my luck. He was probably the most attractive guy I have ever come across and he instantly became my crush. Maybe my trip to the cemetery wasn’t for nothing after all.
But my excitement was short-lived. As I was staring at him, I saw in his face a really sad look as he stared at the tombstone. It was one of the saddest looks I had ever seen in my life, but no tears fell from his sorrowful eyes. It broke my heart just to see his face like that and I wanted to cry. I didn’t even know why this total stranger could affect me so much.
He probably lost someone very special to him. It could be a close relative or friend. Maybe even his girlfriend? That’s good. Then I could fill up the empty space in his heart. I almost had to slap myself to snap my head out of this inconsiderate delusion. All I wanted to do then was to take that miserable look off his face.
As I was lost in his eyes, I was surprised that he looked back at me. He must have noticed that I was there. Our eyes met and I felt like I could melt. But I quickly turned away after realizing how rude I had been for staring.
“Hal? Halley?”
I turned and it was my dad calling me from my aunt’s unfinished mausoleum.
“Huh?” I said.
“We’re leaving. Come on.”
“Okay, I’m coming.”
I turned back to the boy I had been staring at. He had already made his way to the nearby street leading to an exit with his hands in his pockets. I stood from the bench where I sat and rushed to my dad’s car. We left the cemetery through another exit. All I could think about was how stupid I was for not even asking his name.
That night I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about him. He made me feel so happy and yet so sad at the same time. I wish I had approached him even though it would seem inappropriate for a girl to be the first one to do so. I wondered if I would ever see him again.
The week passed and I went to do all the things I had wanted to do the Saturday before. But all of my summer activities didn’t seem so promising anymore since all I could think about was the boy I met at the cemetery. The next Saturday came and my dad asked me to go with him again. I still didn’t want to go. The boy probably wouldn’t be there again anyway. But my dad insisted that I accompany him. He even bribed me, saying he would treat me to McDonalds if I came with him. Yeah right. Like that will make me so happy. If I didn’t love the old man, I wouldn’t have come.
The weather was still as hot as last time. Upon arriving, I immediately made my way to the bench I had sat on before. To my great surprise, I saw him sitting there still wearing a heart-breaking face.
“If I don’t approach him now, I might never see him again,” I thought to myself. And that was what I did, though I wasn’t really the type of girl who approaches guys. I sat beside him in the most casual way I could. He didn’t even look at me, but being beside him and seeing him up close not only sent chills up my spine, but it also made me feel like I was the luckiest person in the world. After an awkward minute had passed, I knew I had to say something.
“You know, we all should learn to accept that death is an inevitable thing in life,” I said. I didn’t really know if the words came out right. He didn’t seem to react to what I said. I began to wonder if I should be embarrassed of what I said. But then he turned to me and looked me in the eye.
“Thanks. Thanks for your concern,” he said. His voice was so sweet but yet so cold. He didn’t even smile. He turned to look at the big blue sky.
“What’s your name?” I finally gathered the courage to ask him.
“It’s Sean.”
“I’m Halley.”
It seemed to me that he was so reserved. He had this calm nature, but was still so gloomy. He didn’t even reach out to shake my hand. His mood had not changed. I knew it. He had lost his girlfriend. I felt sad, for myself this time. He seemed so uninterested in me. Or maybe I was overreacting. Maybe I needed to give him time to cope for the things that have happened to him.
“What’s wrong? You seem so sad,” I asked again.
“I am,” he replied. His innocent face looked so miserable. I wanted to hug him.
“Why?” I insisted.
“The way the world works is so cruel. Eventually, everything the world gives will be taken back.”
“Yes, that’s true. What did the world take back?”
“Have you ever lost someone close to you? How did you feel?"
Though he didn’t answer my question, I was still willing to share. I didn’t know why. I wanted to keep the conversation going. I didn’t want him to leave again early.
“Well, I lost my aunt,” I said.
“And?”
“And.. And it’s okay. I mean, everyone’s going to die someday. Surely, one cannot expect someone to be there for them forever, right?
“It was okay?”
“Well, in a way. I mean, it’s sad, of course, for I don’t see my aunt anymore. Although we weren’t that close, I would still miss the way she gave me gifts during my birthday and the way she gave me compliments on how well I’ve been growing when she came to visit and other stuff like that.
Sean didn’t say anything. He looked more miserable than ever. I continued what I had to say; hoping what I had to say would lessen his sadness.
“Whatever happened happened. Life goes on. You’ll still have memories. You should learn to let go and let things continue the way they were in the best way you can.”
“Memories?! Let things continue?! How can things continue the way they were?!”
His tone was mixed with anger and confusion. I was afraid that I made him upset.
“I know it’s not easy. But you have to try. You have to get over it, eventually. Even if you don’t want to, you have to. It’s the only way. Letting go is never easy, but I have faith in you that you can get through it.”
I gave him a smile and patted him on the back hoping to lift his spirits, but he just looked at me with those pleading eyes and said nothing.
“Hal! Time for that trip to McDonalds that I promised you,” my dad called.
“No! Not yet. Can you just leave me here and get me back tomorrow?” I thought.
I know I had to stop my foolish thoughts. I stood up from the bench. I wanted to get Sean’s number or address. I wanted to ask for his e-mail address. I wanted to see him again for sure. But he just stared at me as I made my way back to my dad’s car with at least an effort to lessen the sadness in his face. Just then did I realize that I should stop my aggressive delusions. If he was really meant to be for me, then I will meet him again.
“I really wish I could stay to help you, but I can’t. We’re leaving. See you again some other time. Bye.” I said these words and turned away not waiting for what he has to say.
***
We headed straight home after we ate at McDonalds. That night I couldn’t sleep again. I was still thinking of Sean. I decided to go out into our small garden to get some fresh air. I took a mat and some pillows and laid them out on the cool grass. I sat on the mat and watched the stars hoping I would get Sean out of my mind.
It was almost eleven in the evening. I grew restless. I had to get out of our house. I decided to take a walk around the neighborhood. I had reached our village park after a few minutes. The playground was dark and there were no children around. The swings never looked as inviting as they did. I took one and was lost in deep thought once more.
“Hey,” I heard someone call. I looked at the nearby bench where the voice was coming from and there was Sean, wearing a friendly but sad face. I couldn’t quite believe that he was there.
“H-how? W-why? What are you doing here?!”
He stood up from the bench and approached me with his hands in his pockets.
“It’s nice to see you here. My uncle lives around here. He is my favorite and I decided to pay him a visit for the weekend.”
I didn’t know what to say. I just stared at him though he wouldn’t even look at me. He seemed so troubled. It was like written in the stars for us to meet. And it was perfect. Him having his favorite uncle around would mean I would see more of him.
“Well… uh… To tell you the truth, I was on my way back to where my family is staying for now but I didn’t want to. No one understands me there anymore and I saw your vehicle enter the village,” he said.
“But… ” I couldn’t quite get the words out. I was puzzled. I didn’t know what to think. Did he come to his uncle’s because I was here?
“I’m really sorry. But… but I don’t know. I just… I just wanted to find you. I knew my uncle was staying here. I tried to ask him if he knows you. But he is busy right now. I’m getting the impression that he wished I hadn’t come by. He just wants to ignore me. He’s been so stressed lately and I understand him. Besides, out of all the girls who live here, he probably wouldn’t know you.”
I was lost for words. I felt my jaw drop slightly open. He went through all this trouble to see me?
“I felt hopeless,” he tried to explain. “I came here to the park because… I don’t know. Maybe I’d get to veg out… and well… maybe I was wishing I’d see you pass by or something.”
He looked me in the eye and I felt the despair he was feeling. He seemed so fragile and I felt so needed.
“Are you mad? Please don’t be. I’m not planning to do anything to hurt you. I’m sorry. It’s just that you said you wanted to help me. That’s why I wanted to find you. You’re the only person who has been concerned of how I feel about all that’s been happening. And I just...”
I couldn’t help it. He looked like a little lost orphan boy whose been trying to find shelter all day. I pitied him so much, for I have just realized that he must be going through a really tough time. I reached out and hugged him really tight as if he was a long lost friend of mine. It was the thing I wanted to do all week long. I wasn’t really sure how he would react but to my surprise, he just hugged me back. His skin was as cold as ice and yet, I could feel his warmth inside. Poor thing. He must have been out for a long time.
It was the best hug I’ve ever had. I probably sound like a Care Bear, but it’s true. He let me go and so did I.
“It’s getting late. It can be dangerous out here. You should go home. Can I walk you?” he said. Of course I agreed.
We got to my house so quickly. Everyone was asleep. I asked Sean if he wanted to come in. He said it was all right. I took my mat and pillows from the grass and lead him to our porch. There I sat with him on the wooden floor and we talked all about life, death and letting go, though we were almost complete strangers. He had become more open to me now. Five hours had passed so quickly and he looked so tired. I wanted so much to give him my bed so he could rest, but I knew my dad wouldn’t approve of that. They didn’t even know I had let someone in, for everyone at home was asleep early. I took a pillow, placed in on my lap and asked him if he wanted to rest his head on the pillow. I wanted him to be comfortable. He lied on floor on his side with his head on my lap. I felt a bit tired too so I rested my head next to his. We were really getting comfortable with each other already. I was sure we’d be good friends.
“Halley?” he called.
“Yea?” I said.
“I’ve been thinking. All this time I felt so sad, I was never able to cry. It’s like I couldn’t. It’s strange.”
“You know what’s got me thinking?”
“What?”
“Now that I look at it, death really does seem sad. I mean, we mourn for a person when they die. But the fact is, sooner or later, we do forget about them. They do become a part of your past. They’re only a part of your memory, but it seems like they never do become a part of you anymore. Come to think about it, although losing someone is hard and a person must move on, it is also sad for those who have departed. No one will really remember them everyday anymore. If I had a good friend who died, then she wouldn’t be at any of my birthday parties anymore. She would miss out on triumphs that we have both had. She wouldn’t be there when our batch graduates. My future children would not know of her. She wouldn’t have her own children. She wouldn’t have her own future. She wouldn’t meet the man she would love through thick and thin. She can watch us all grow into individuals whom we want to be, and yet she will rarely be remembered. And its.. just so sad..”
Sean wasn’t responding anymore. He had become a bit warmer now. I reached to stroke his hair out of his face. And I felt moisture on his face. He was asleep already and he was finally able to cry.
The next morning I woke up on the porch. The first thing I thought about was if Sean was still there.
“Good morning,” said a calm friendly voice. It was Sean. He was already up and was leaning at our fence, staring at the early sunrise.
“Good morning,” I replied as I walked towards him. “So what are your plans now?”
“You know how the sun rises every morning and sets every night? It just came to me that you really couldn’t appreciate the new morning if you stay up all night trying to wait for it to come. You’d feel exhausted the next day and you’d just want to sleep through the whole morning. But if you accept that the evening darkness always comes, and you just sleep through it like you should, the new morning always seems so promising. I don’t know if that makes sense to you, but that is what I’m going to do. I have experienced a good thing and now its over. I shouldn’t just wait for it tirelessly to come back. It always will. So why don’t I just do what I have to do? Why wait for something to happen when I can move on until something happens?”
“Don’t worry, I get what your saying. Now you know.”
“But I have to leave. I’m letting go now. I can’t stay here.”
“What?! But-”
“You see, I am not from here. The reason why I’m here is because I could not let go of the person that was buried here. And because I’m letting go, I have to go.”
I hugged Sean again. I couldn’t believe it. I have met the perfect guy and the perfect friend but I could not have him. It is true what Sean said before. The way the world works is so cruel. Eventually, everything the world gives will be taken back.
“Don’t worry. Eventually, we’ll see each other again,” he said with a smile. It was the first time I ever saw him smile. My heart skipped a beat when I saw him smile, just like it did when I saw him the first time. His smile was so sweet and innocent as if nothing in this world could ever go wrong. I felt tears run down my cheeks: the first time I ever cried since I knew him. I wanted to take his phone number or his address. I wanted to be in touch. I wanted to know how many miles away he would be. But when I saw him smile, I knew that someday we would meet again. There was no need for worry.
“Hal, you are the person who hae taught me to let go, but because of you I want to hold on. I wish I would have known you a long time ago. Then I would have been happy long before. I will miss you Hal.”
He gave me kiss on the cheek and made his way through the streets. I had only known him for a week, but I know I’ll be longing for him for a lifetime. And I just let him go.
***
Many months have passed since I met Sean. I never heard from him since then. I was never quite the same. I had been better. I don’t know why. Did I like him or love him? What was it about him that was so different? Maybe it’s because I want to be perfect for him like he was for me. Maybe I’m being better because I still don’t know if he sees me as a friend or more than that. There are so many questions. But now I know why people long for something badly even if there is no assurance that they will actually enjoy it. They have to take their chances.
All Saint’s Day came. My Aunt Bessie’s mausoleum was already fixed. Some of my relatives and I came to the cemetery to watch over Aunt Bessie. It was another sunny day. As everybody else was preoccupied, I hurried to where I first saw Sean. I was hoping I might see him there again. There was a bunch of people chatting near the tombstone where Sean had been mourning. I approached the group of people, determined to ask them about him. But as I neared them, I couldn’t help but be intrigued on whom Sean was mourning for.
I collapsed to my knees and started crying. I couldn’t breathe. I read the tombstone and there it said: In loving memory of SEAN BAUTISTA; born: August 9, 1988; died: March 23, 2005.
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