{A bar. Three young men are sitting in the bar, drinking palm wine and playing draughts. As the lights beam onto the stage, Wole is heard shouting in protest, while the other two roar with laughter.}
WOLE: - {Turning the tables over} I’ve had enough of this stupid game, this idle man’s game! You’ve taken all my money!
KOFI: - {Laughing} If you drank less, you would play better!
HASSAN: - Hey! Kofi, you’ve won all Wole’s money. What about buying us another keg of palm wine?
WOLE: - Good idea! {He turns to the bar man.} Barman, bring us more drink. One glass each, and be quick about it!
BARMAN: - Yes, Oga but… but…
WOLE: - {springing up and seizing the barman by his apron} What do you mean by ‘but-but’? What is the matter with you? Is there some cotton-wool blocking your ears or didn’t you hear what I said?
BARMAN: - Yes, Oga, but… but… you haven’t paid for the last keg yet!
KOFI: - {He throws some Afro notes at the barman who quickly picks them up, arranges and counts them} Here! Take your money. But this my brother here will pay for the new glasses that we now order.
BARMAN: - {He gestures to Kofi for consent and Kofi nods his head in affirmation} You said three glasses, right?
HASSAN: - It is like you have a memory problem.
KOFI: - Three glasses we said. Hurry!
WOLE: - Three full cups or else…
KOFI: - Or else, what?
WOLE: - Nothing. I wasn’t threatening you. It’s the barman.
HASSAN: - {Laughing} Beggars cannot be dictators!
WOLE: - And why do you still stand staring at us like a Zombie?
BARMAN: - I want to take all your orders before I …
WOLE: - Come on, fill these bottles before we change our minds!
{The Barman counts the money again and tucks the money inside his apron pocket and runs off}
HASSAN: - (Pointing at the window) Hey! Look! Look across the window. There’s a funeral. {The three young men go to the window and watch a funeral procession. The Barman returns with a keg of wine and fills the three empty mugs on the table}
KOFI: - {Looking round and seeing the Barman} Thank you, Barman, for the wine. Whose funeral is that?
BARMAN: - Customer, I think he’s the man you used to drink with here.
HASSAN: - What’s his name?
BARMAN: - I don’t know, customer. He is a very big man. He used to come here quite often until he overthrew the governments of Afer Land.
HASSAN: - Which governments? I hope it is not the civilian governments.
BARMAN: - Both civilian and military governments fell to his bloody coups d’etats.
KOFI: - When did all these overthrows occur? I thought Elizabeth was here? When did Elizabeth leave Afer Land?
BARMAN: - As soon as Elizabeth and her equally greedy friends left Afer Land, the man took over… only the dates of the overthrowing of the governments were slightly different.
HASSAN: - What is his name? I mean the deceased.
BARMAN: - I think I can remember his name now. His name was Mr. Corruption.
KOFI: - Oh, old Mr. Corruption! I know him well. He had many sons. I know two of them, Underdevelopment and Conflicts. He had another son out of wedlock called Wars. I know him well. When did he die?
BARMAN: - He was killed the day before yesterday
WOLE: - Killed? Who killed him? Who could have killed the almighty Mr. Corruption?
BARMAN: - A well-known thief around here killed him. The thief shot several bullets into his chest and the doctors could not save him. The thief has killed many people already.
HASSAN: - What is the type of bullet that the thief used in shooting Mr. Corruption? I was told that there is almost no bullet that can penetrate his allegedly steely body.
BARMAN: - He used a new and effective type of bullet called Good Governance and Transparency.
KOFI: - A thief, you said? What is his name?
BARMAN: - His name is Death. During the recent war in Somalia, he killed very many people with famine and laughing rifles. He has killed tens of thousands in the Darfur region. He killed many people in Liberia and Congo. During the recent famine he killed thousands of people. He is killing more people from the many wars on the continent.
KOFI: - The only complementary thing about this unscrupulous thief is the killing of Mr. Corruption, I dare say.
HASSAN: - Yes. But, why would he kill innocent people too?
WOLE: - I hear that he is not a respecter of persons.
BARMAN: - And so, I advise you to be careful, my customers, in case you meet him. He is very dangerous.
KOFI: - {Angrily} When I need your advice I shall ask for it. Thank you very much.
WOLE: - My friends, this fellow, Death, must be a very rich man even though he is a dangerous man. Let’s see if we can find him and kill him ourselves, before he kills us too!
HASSAN: - Great idea! But where does he live?
BARMAN: - I’m not sure. But he has killed many people in a village not far from here.
KOFI: - Right! Let’s find him and kill him… now!
WOLE & HASSAN: -Yes! Let’s go!
{The three young men rush to finish their palm wine, pay the Barman and hurry out. The Barman watches them go, shaking his head in disapproval and contempt.}
BARMAN: - {In soliloquy} It is ignorance that makes the mouse call the cat for a wrestling contest.
SCENE TWO
{Apparently several hours later, on a beaten bush path, the three young men appear, looking exhausted.}
HASSAN: - Hey, fellow wanderers! We have traveled for several hours already and we still haven’t found this fellow, Death. Let’s ask this woman.
{A poor woman enters, looking shabby and grim}
POOR WOMAN: - Greetings, young men! I beg you; please give me one Afro to buy lunch for my family. We have had nothing all day long!
WOLE: - In a country that is richly endowed like yours, you mean you still beg for lunch?
POOR WOMAN: - You are right, young man. My country is richly endowed and wealthy but the people, my countrymen and women, are disempowered and poverty-stricken, only a few rich people own the greater wealth in my country, but the majority are poor and starving.
KOFI: - Who caused all these anomalies, poor woman?
POOR WOMAN: - I cannot tell, but everyone blames Mr. Corruption.
HASSAN: Mr. Corruption again? Thank God he is dead. Things will become normal soon.
POOR WOMAN: - I pray so. But I fear that that terrorist called Mr. Corruption is alleged to have nine lives. He might surprise the world by coming to life again, though he is dead.
WOLE: - Even if he has nine lives, Mr. Death will surely meet him nine times as long as Transparency and Good Governance are still used as weapons by our people.
KOFI: - That brings us to the issue at stake, Death.
POOR WOMAN: - Please give me just an Afro and my family will survive another day.
KOFI: - We will give you the money if you can tell us where Death is.
POOR WOMAN: - Oh, young men! He is everywhere, and nowhere! He has visited my family many times, yet I have never seen him. But I have just passed an old man on the way. Perhaps he can tell you where to find Mr. Death.
HASSAN: - Poor woman, the information you have just sold to us is useless and we cannot pay for it! Be off with you! There’s no Afro for you!
{The poor woman leaves, disappointed.}
{A very old man enters, supporting himself on a walking stick.}
OLD MAN: - Greetings, young man! May God be with you!
WOLE: - {Impolitely} God has obviously forgotten you. You look like a skeleton! You ought to have died long ago!
HASSAN: - What is God? His name is Allah!
KOFI: - Pity, Hassan! Are you still operating at that low level? Who told you God, or Allah, or Osenebulua lives in a name? He is the Almighty and different people everywhere have various names for Him. But He is one big Father of us all. He is the nameless Almighty.
HASSAN: - But why is there a small ‘g’ or a big ‘G’ in various spellings of the Almighty’s name?
KOFI: - That is a fallacy. There should be no small ‘g’ or big ‘G’ for the Almighty. He is God everywhere and we are all His children. Every tribe and tongue calls Him by the language that they understand best and He will not refuse a widow’s wail simply because her tongue says ‘Ubong Abasi’ and not ‘Jehovah’ or ‘Allah’.
WOLE: - Yes, Hassan. There may be many tribes and tongues and colours but there is only one Almighty Father. Call Him God or Allah or Osenebulua. He remains the Eternal Creator and Controller of the entire universe. He is Allah, Yahweh, Budha, Krishna, Olorun, Oghene, Ubangidi, or what have you. He does not live in a name.
HASSAN: - That is true. That is very true. I wonder why some of my brothers still fight and kill one another over the issue religion. If we actually believe that Allah or God or whatever He is called is our Father, then why should we kill His children to appease Him?
WOLE: - Right Hassan. You are thinking like a true Muslim. Only heathens fight and kill over matters that they could resolve amicably without bloodletting.
KOFI: - Is it not too bad that men who are too old to live cause wars for children who are too young to die, just because of their evil and selfish ambitions? Worse still, they deceive us that they are fighting for the Almighty Father. Demagogues and sophists, they are!
WOLE: - Imagine this God-forsaken skeleton that ought to have died long ago! He is one of those types that cause many wars for our people and that arm our children to go and die in their place.
OLD MAN: - {Surprised; angry but concealing it} I am old, young men. I cannot find a young man who will take away my old age and give me his youth instead.
KOFI, HASSAN & WOLE: - And may you never find one!
OLD MAN: - I tap on the earth with my stick, trying to get in, but Death will not take me away. And so I go on living, getting older and older.
KOFI: - You are talking nonsense!
OLD MAN: - Am I? But you, young men, you know that this is not the way to speak to an old man with gray hair. All valid religions oblige young people to treat old people with respect.
HASSAN: - {Rudely interrupting} We don’t need a sermon from you! Now, listen old man, just now you spoke about Death. Do you know where we can find him?
OLD MAN: - So, you want to meet Death, don’t you?
KOFI:- Yes, old man.
OLD MAN: - Then follow the path that my walking stick points to… {Pointing with his stick} You’ll find him under that Iroko tree. I hope that you’re ready to meet him! He is a very dangerous man, I must warn you. May God save you!
(The old man goes off, shaking his head disapprovingly and contemptuously; the three young men rush over to the tree.)
SCENE THREE
{Under the Iroko tree. The three young men enter and find a gourd filled with gold.}
WOLE: - {Kneeling down and running his fingers through the gold.} Eureka! Look! We’re rich!
HASSAN: - {Joining Wole} There’s no need for any of us to ever labour again! We can buy clothes and houses and marry more wives.
KOFI: - Friends, listen! What are we going to do? If we take this gold home now, people will say we stole it. We’d better be careful. Let’s wait until nightfall.
HASSAN: - A good idea! Then we can take the gold home and nobody will know anything about it.
WOLE: - But we can’t wait here all day. We have nothing to eat. We are hungry; at least I am hungry, and it’s only palm wine that we have in our already churning stomachs.
KOFI: - I’ve already thought of that. Here, I have three straws in my hand. The one who chooses the shortest will go and get some food and drink for all of us. The other two of us will stay and guard the gold treasure.
HASSAN: - Good Idea!
WOLE: - Agreed!
{They each take a straw. Wole gets the shortest one.}
WOLE: - {Grumbling} I am always the one who does all the work but I haven’t any money to buy anything!
KOFI: - (Grumbling and mimicking Wole.) I’m always the one who pays for everything! Here you are! You always complain but you do not complain when I pay for your drink. Come on, go and get us food and more palm wine! Let me check my pocket. Wole, take these Afro notes and buy us food to eat. And don’t forget the change! Hurry!
WOLE : - {Leaving} All right my friends. See you soon! {As Wole leaves, the other two sit down under the tree.}
SCENE FOUR
{Walking along a footpath, Wole enters, carrying three bottles and some food. He is soliloquizing}
WOLE: - {Talking to the audience} If I had all that money to myself and didn’t have to share it with the other two, I would be very rich! But I can’t fight Hassan and Kofi. Thank God for the Juju priest. The Juju priest claimed that the poison is so strong that the smallest drop will kill a man in ten seconds. Great! They shall all die and leave all the gold treasure to me alone. {He is laughing wildly to himself. He pours a concoction into two of the bottles.}
SCENE FIVE
{Under the Iroko tree}
KOFI: - You know, Hassan, I’ve been thinking. There’s not enough gold for all three of us, you know.
HASSAN: - But what can we do? Wole is coming back soon.
KOFI: - Two are stronger than one! When Wole comes back, we’ll wait till he sits down, and then we’ll both stab him until he is dead.
HASSAN: - And then we’ll share the money between just the two of us! All right, I agree, but look out, here he comes! {Hastily, they both check that their knives are concealed and pull the sleeves of their shirts up to their elbows. Wole enters.}
WOLE: - Hallo, my friends. Look, I have bought some Moi-Moi and some Agidi for us to eat and relish. I also bought some palm wine to wash the food down! As for the change, there was nothing left as change.
KOFI: - Welcome Wole. Come and sit down.
HASSAN: - Let’s eat first, and then evaluate the gold treasure.
{Wole sits down and puts the food and the palm wine on the ground. Kofi and Hassan stab him with their knives.}
KOFI: - There, you see? Hassan, it was easy!
HASSAN: - Yes, Kofi, I was getting tired of Wole, he was always grumbling and he never had any money to pay for his round of palm wine.
KOFI: - Let’s forget him! We’ll bury his body in a minute. Let’s have a drink first, to celebrate.
{Kofi takes the bottle of wine, drinks and offers it to Hassan, who also drinks. They both grimace at the increased churning in their stomachs, writhe in pain and then die. Enter the old man.}
OLD MAN: - They didn’t have to go far in their quest for the elusive and unscrupulous Mr. Death. They all found death when they least expected to. They were greedy, selfish and brutish. And so is Africa, my beloved motherland. I pray for Africa and all her daughters. May Africa not remain in the mire of greed, selfishness and brutality! She should learn to live in peace, prosperity and independence. I believe, with all of my heart, that Africa shall be great again. It shall be soon, very soon, sooner than the proclaimed coming of Christ. And definitely before Mr. Death finally gets his cold grip on my old neck and kills me too.
THE END
Character Analysis
Wole is a real drunk. He is lousy, poor, sluggard and very impolite. He is unlucky in gambling and betting and depends on others for money. He is greedy and selfish. He is a perpetual complainer and dresses like a typical Yoruba man.
Kofi is also a drunk like his friend Wole but, unlike Wole, he is polite, calm, thoughtful and very humorous. He is apparently the leader of the three. He is generous, curious and full of action. He is philosophically inclined. He is also greedy and dresses like a typical Ashanti man.
Hassan is also a drunk, like his colleagues. He is not as polite as Kofi but certainly a lot more polite than Wole. He is curious, full of action and optimistic. In addition, he is slippery in character and religiously-inclined but not so much as to become a fanatic. He is greedy and he dresses like a Fulani man.
The Barman is a typical bar attendant in a local bar. He is polite and charismatic. He is knowledgeable and confident. He does not trust that all of his customers will pay their bills. He wears an apron over his shirt and a short pair of trousers. He speaks English well but with the punctuations of the rather musical Calabar accent.
The old woman is old, but beautiful. She seems to have a tale to tell. She is a beggarish and haggard-looking woman who wears shaggy hair and dirty clothes. She dresses like a typical Congolese woman.
The old man is extremely old and supports himself with a walking stick. He is wise and tricky. He is shabbily dressed. He dresses like a typical Ijaw veteran warlord.
Glossary
The below expressions are either local expressions or were invented by the author. Their meanings, as used in the play, follow:
Oga: A fond way of addressing a customer at a bar.
Afer Land: An imaginary continent which typifies the continent of Africa.
Afro: An imaginary currency in use in the imaginary Afer Land.
Iroko tree: A huge Mahogany tree.
Juju Priest: A traditional pharmacist.
Moi-Moi: Bean pudding.
Agidi: Corn pudding.
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