Is it something I did not do
Was there something I was expected to do
Why else then, would I be a pinball if I was wanted
I wonder
Sometimes I wonder, alone, in silence
During these episodes, it gets dark
Too dark to see
I can not tell where I get the strength to move on
I tried to look everywhere for the tiniest affection
I looked in your eyes
Only a cold stare met me
I looked in your smile
It was tight as always
I searched desperately
There was nothing for me
Desperate I called you 'mama'
I thought it would do the trick
It only made me loathe myself
For you denied me out rightly
I never gave up
I hoped that one day
You would come for me
Say I am sorry
And say you loved me
In the meantime
I held on to my God given mother (my grandmother)
She gave me strength, love, understanding
And almost every time
Made me forget with her hearty laughter
Time fled by, and I still wondered
Is it something I did
You had not changed
I have never received a birthday card, letter, or a success card
Nothing
Christmas came and went, but nothing
I waited for a phone call
Thought you would call and ask how tall I was
Whether I have grown those thin hairs or not
Am still waiting
Then I thought
Is it something I did
Were you raped
Was it in-consensual
Was I a mistake
Am I paying for what happened
Would I have done something to stop it
In darkness, I still am
Through rumours though
I have a sketch
Of who he was and is
For you refused to tell, even to your mother
You refused to tell me who he is
So I channeled my energy in studies
My mother (grandmother) saw me through high school
On completion, I qualified to go to University
But my mother (grandmother) was wearing out
She and I thought you would lend a hand
But you were unshaken
So I stayed home
And it got darker and darker to see
A man came along and promised a future
I fell for it
And reaped what I sow
A child
A beautiful child
I have waited patiently
For your support and guidance on this
I constantly watched my door
Thought that the thought of a grandchild would snap you
I was wrong
Dead wrong
I cannot believe that you have not
And do not intend to set your eyes on her
Whatever your reasons
God is the Judge
When the sun sets
I pray it sets with me
So I don’t get to see sunrise
Somehow, I have managed to see sunrise
My beautiful child has become my sunrise
I live for her
I tell myself, she is not a mistake
I tell myself, she was begotten with love
And I always tell her that I will always be there for her
In poor and in richness
I tell her I love her
I wonder
Do you know what you are missing
You then decided to rub the sketch I had
You produced another sketch
One that makes him a past tense
Which one is which
Doesn’t it ever get to be enough
I hear you are a Christian
A holly one indeed
Am told you chair many committees in church
Am told you have participated fully to build your church
And I wonder
No teaching snaps you
You must be a rock
It’s now twenty four years
Twenty four years of loneliness and longing
Twenty four years of yearning for acceptance
If at all I am twenty four
If at all May 17 is my birthday
For you have never told me
All I have is a sketch
A sketch of who I am
Makes me wonder
Who chose the names for me
Was it him, you or my mother
Now, finally, after a long wait, I give up
Officially, I resign
But before I do that
There is a picture of how I live
I live in a donated garage
My garage has no window
It consists of a bed
And old bits of stuff
All donated
My beautiful girl is called Hearty
For I love her from my heart
She is taller for her age - she is three
Staggeringly, she goes to Trinity pre-school
She loves reading, enjoys singing and dancing
She is very playful & beautiful
I teach her values and the greatest value-LOVE
She does not own a room
She has neither bed nor bedding
We share the little we have
Despite the dingy surroundings
She has a beautiful chocolate skin without rashes
She and I brush our teeth in the bucket
For the bathrooms is just a mess
She uses a jug of cold water for a full bath
I use two jugs of cold water
For I buy water daily
And I cannot afford a full basin of bathing
I traded all the valuables I had
And bought a 14-inch Toshiba television for my daughter
I don’t work
For I do not have sufficient education
Basically - I survive - if you know what I mean
I doubt you can have a glass of water in my garage - it’s too dingy.
I thought it was the end of the road for me
When my mother (grandmother) passed
But there was sunshine at the end of the tunnel
Just so you know, I have dreams
I dream of being a pre-school teacher
And do fashion designing at home
I believe I will get there, just like you did
I have continuously lived in your spell
Finally
I break free, it is time to shine and shine
May you enjoy all the luxuries the world can offer
But while you are at it, remember
You are forgiven
But if you could answer one question for me
Was it something I did
If Yes, then
What did I do
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