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Whereas the older people in Asia pray the whole day and are in communion with God because the life-span in Asia is shorter, I had the impression here in Europe that the older generation are still living it up.
You’re pensioned at 67 years in Germany and are still robust and not very old. This new acquired freedom is used for coffee-hours in the afternoon, trekking, sight-seeing and even ballroom dancing and pursuing interesting hobbies like gardening, fishing and bird-watching. Others, like the late Toni Hagen and the impeccable Sir Edmund Hillary, even went on working as development workers in the Himalayas, where old age is regarded as an asset and not a liability.
And late, second or third marriages are not uncommon due to the fact that older people are left to themselves, and the younger generation would rather see their parents, grandparents in houses for old people rather than share a house in a joint-family. The family units have become smaller and smaller with the passage of time and industrial development.
Take Frau Bender’s family for instance. All the sons and daughters have their own families and they are scattered over Germany and, till recently, even in Australia. The only time they get together is when a silver or golden jubilee or birthday is being celebrated, or when someone in the family gets married. And whether it’s a child’s ‘confirmation’ ceremony at the local church, a marriage or whatever: the costs are tremendous, because the Germans do it with style.
I had the impression that it isn’t only the Asians who spend a lot of money on such occasions. Even the Germans seemed to go to extremes. A modern marriage for instance has the aura of a royal marriage and the German brides are dressed up like Lady Diana Spencer and the bridegrooms like Prince Charles. What staggers the costs is the party in a Gastwirtschaft or rented hall afterwards, with the choicest menus and unlimited drinks: sekt, wine, beer and schnaps.
Mrs.Bender’s mother, was an 82 year old corpulent, grand old lady with failing eyesight, who watched TV sitting only five centimeters in front of the tube, for instance lived in an annual rotation scheme with all her married sons and daughters traveling from Heidelberg to Bad Waldliesborn, and down to Nuremburg, and then up to Neustadt. She didn’t have a permanent home of her own. The children took turns in doing granny-sitting. The family called her ‘Queen Victoria’, as she had a rather commanding tone and was resolute in her decisions over family matters and what was best for her.
It reminded me of my own maternal grandma, who was the central figure in the family, after the death of my grandpa, and who operated from her spacious bed in Victorian style, which had curtains of multicolored glass-pearls. Visiting her was like entering into a world of 1001 Nights.
The indomitable lady would sit perched high, like an incarnated Rimpoche, and sip her Darjeeling tea, and lay her hands on the foreheads and heads of the many relatives and acquaintances, who wanted to pay her their respects or ask for favors. She’d cover her mouth with the end of a sari and would ask them uncomfortable questions about their families, demanding obedience and respect from them. And the relatives would comply with due submission. I found it always a spectacle the way people greeted her, presenting her white silk scarves (khadas), bowing their otherwise proud heads, and receiving either a pat on their heads, almost a slap if the grand old lady was disappointed with them. She was their moral instance, their conscience. And she had her spies and informants in the extensive family branches. .
She still had a lot of land, despite the so-called land-reforms introduced by the government in Kathmandu and her tenants and their families were still heavily dependent on her. She could be a kind soul at times and show compassion but most of the time she was very stern and shrewd towards her ‘subjects.’ Her subjects were divided into two religious groups: Buddhists-cum-animists who were called Bhotays and Tamangs and Hindus.
But she didn’t show much respect towards the Hindus. In her mind the achievements of a person in this world were more important than lineage and heredity. She’d always come up with, ‘What you make out of life, and what you are, is more important than what your father or ancestors were. Don’t come up with your high-birth. Not with me.’
Despite her crude ways in dealing with people, I admired her secretly. After all, respect was something that had to be earned and didn’t come with one’s age. She was going contrary to the norm of her society, in which old-age was regarded with reverence and admiration. In her eyes, a person had to defend his or her right with his wisdom, for according to her, wisdom was something that couldn’t be stolen by thugs and robbers in the society, and she laid great emphasis on the importance education, even though she couldn’t read English. She could read and write Tibetan and Nepali though. It didn’t help her in her interactions with the British, but her knowledge of Tibetan and Nepali were an asset in dealing with the local people, and she used it with a great deal of skill.
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