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Five options, one result. Should I blow, hang, gas, drown, or throw it? Let’s blow it. I am sitting in my room, Marilyn Manson playing as loud as the volume can go, door locked, and curtains drawn…loaded? Yeah…1, 2, 3…^&*% it. Bang!!!
"Kanji open up!" He shouted.
"I'm coming in!"
"Oh! My God no!" He sobbed away.
"Why…why!!" He asked, as more tears poured out his eyes than I had ever seen them in my lifetime.
"You really want to know why?" I asked though he couldn’t hear me; I am dead.
"Well let me tell you why…the things you all said," I continued.
I was just a normal girl growing up in a world full of hate and pain. I had to pretend all my life that I was happy when I was not. Each day that went by brought so much pain to my heart that it built irreconcilable anger, apparent to all those who saw me. I became depressed and didn’t want to take anymore of what your world continued to feed my mind. I hated sitting around hearing echoes of the things my parents, brothers, sisters, boyfriend, friends, boss, and the church said to me.
I found it hard to reconcile how a mother, the one person who is supposed to unconditionally love you, could utter words such as "…sometimes I wish that you were never born! Why did God give me you as a child? What wrong did I do to deserve you? Get lost you little devil..." In my eighteen years on earth, I had learnt to take all of these comments and regard them as normal. With all regard, I was not a perfect child. I recognised that as a child, I had brought pain on them through the things I did. The worst was when I became a teenager and I got into all the chaos. But despite all my atrocities, I believed that I deserved a bit of love from my mother. All children do. You might be thinking that despite the hatred I received from my mother, my dad would have been different. The answer is no. My father was one factor that contributed to my mother’s hate and pain.
My father was not a rich company executive per say, but he was just an ordinary man who ran his own contracting company in water engineering. Being the sole owner of the ‘company’, he was able to raise his share a bit and with favour going his way most of the time, he was able to sign big contracts with large firms such as the Water Corporation and many other mining companies. To say it in one bit, my father was not a millionaire, but had quite a fortune under his belt. That being the case, his testosterone couldn’t find rest or appeasement in one woman only, my mother. My father would go on having sexual relationships with different women, and the least he could have done was to try and conceal them. Instead, he would at times, especially when drunk, curse my mother and boast about how better other women were in bed, and how she sucked at the same. Horror struck me at most, and I often wondered why my mother couldn’t just leave him and get on with her life; because candidly speaking, I think she was better off alone. Then again, there were us, the children. I was the eldest of four children, three girls and one boy.
At times my father could be gone for more than a month and all we could do is just wonder if he had just walked out on us, or if he would be back. It was during that time that things got worse at home. My mother was almost having an emotional breakdown. She was so torn apart that she would often voice her frustrations about dad on us. She would yell at us and scream at my younger siblings over petty issues. Sometimes she could go for days without eating or getting out of bed…all she did was sob and wail for my estranged father.
One day, I overheard her talking to someone on the phone saying that she was just holding on for our sake, but despite that, she would not have been going through all of this and would have left my father a longtime ago. That really pierced my heart. Just as much as it soothed me that at least she cared for us, it placed a burden over me that we were the cause of her pain. If we never existed, she would have moved on and had a better life. It might sound stupid, but it really weighed me down.
In the house everything was a total mess. Many things were missing, at most, it could be one of my siblings or me. The emptiness could be felt in the house. That feeling of love flowing; that sense of security and happiness were gone, and they had been gone for a long time. Each time they could almost be felt, mum or dad could chase them away…never to return for sometime.
During the period of love drought, I would run away from home. I couldn’t take it anymore…staying at home was like a living hell. Sometimes I would wish that I could just spread my wings and take flight. I lacked a sense of belonging. As they say, human beings are meant to connect. If you don’t connect to at least one other person, you will connect to something else so as to have that sense of belonging within you. As a result, I got attached to some people; most of them were my friends from school. When I was living my life of fear and sadness, teen life was passing me by. I had not yet had a boyfriend in my life; it just wasn't the thing on my mind when things were all right at home. I had a few guys trying to get to me; I had not opened up to any of them until later.
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Writer Profile
Joseph-Peter
A wise man once told me that there are only two best weapons that you can have in this world: a pen and your mouth. The good thing about these two weapons is that they don't run out of ammunition, unless you decide to stop firing. That ammunition is words.
I am a person who is vocal but I have come to know that when I write about something, I write it with total consideration and commitment, more so than I do when talking. I have a passion for writting. I believe that scripts are capable of changing lives of many - including the author.
I trust in words and as long as I play with them in the right way, they are able to get me either into or out of any situation.
Let words battle it out for you.
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Comments
Things u say Rebecca | Jul 24th, 2005
WHat an inspiring piece of work. I am a mother and willhold this story to my heart
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
wow lulia luong | Dec 13th, 2007
i tihnk its very touching and its like a painful ife..with a clear ending..
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